Sunday, May 23, 2010

Evil Seagull!

I know I know, seagulls are supposed to be mystics and great philosophers. Their soaring flight dances are supposed to inspire us... but let me tell you the truth about those shitting creatures and the saga of their persecution of my otherwise bird loving beloved partner Rich.

It first started long long time ago. Rich was a sailor in the navy (I’m being redundant, everyone in the navy is some sort of sailor, right? Even submariners.) So a resplendent admiral was inspecting the troops lined up on the carrier. The sailors were in their formal white attire which they had painstakingly washed and ironed. Rich was doing his best to stand ramrod at attention. When the admiral came in front of him, guess what happened? A seagull shat on Rich’s shoulder. Rich, nineteen at the time, felt horribly embarrassed while the admiral visibly was doing his best to repress a chuckle.

Now I’m asking you! Out of hundreds sailors, why did a seagull chose Rich? Why didn’t it for instance shit on the admiral’s head so that the sailors could be the ones to repress a chuckle?

Not surprisingly the story doesn’t end there as seagulls seem to favor Rich and he’s persuaded they’re doing it on purpose. He practically has to carry an open umbrella for protection when we walk by the shore. As for me, I seemed immune up to now, but no longer...

We woke up yesterday and there was an enormous bird poop on our car. It began on the roof above the passenger window, dribbled on the window and then there was an gigantic plop spread out under the window on the door. At first I thought that some kid had thrown a milkshake at our car, or that someone had suffered a truly explosive bout of puking. But no, we were facing genuine bird shit.

So the troubling question is: what kind of flying creature can produce such a giant poop? Is it a monstrous seagull sent by its fellows to still wreak havoc on Rich’s life? Or is it some sort of alien species? (No it’s not a Canadian goose because they produce well formed brown turds --we have an abundance of them at certain time of they year and you really have to watch where you’re putting your feet down when walking by the lake....).

Anyone has some zoological insights on the identity of the guilty species or on how a supposedly small bird can produce such a great amount of shit?


  1. Pteranodon, Kati.

    Big, nasty, flying carnivorous scaly bastards, can fly at 100 mph, lift a grown human into it's lair and feed it to it's young in little pieces. They use the "F" word in polite company, drink cheap beer, and if you let them in your house they'll steal your silverware.

    Get a shotgun. Big one.

  2. Wow Schuyler, that's scary, but that would explain that giant poop.

    I thought Canadian geeses were scary enough. We went to "feed the ducks" with my 2 and 1/2 year old granddaughter while I was visiting back east recently, and by the time we got to the pound we realized we'd forgotten the bread. The kid amused herself by throwing pebbles in the water. Peaceful ducks and swans came to check them out, and then left disappointed. But the geese, oh no! They came out and with their head stretched out aggressively they were almost as tall as my granddaughter. I happen to be privy to the info that these creature will not only pinch you but simultaneously twist their beak as they're doing so. So brave grandma that I am, I charged the lot with my walker and made roaring sounds. That got them away by a couple of feet, and while they pondered their next move we got out of there.

    So yes, pteranodons are still among us.....

  3. And I am simply happy my dog can't fly...

    Great stuff Kati, I'll be back!

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  5. Hmmm... speaking of large birds ~ we *were*, weren't we, kati?

    It was about 5 in the evening the other day, and I was driving through the golf course (which is extremely rustic and rural and is known for the distinction of being in Ripley's Believe It Or Not a total of 7 times for weird and random events that happened there) when, to my right, I saw something rather large running in my direction, along the dry riverbed that crosses the the road when it floods. I had plenty of time to slow down as it passed in front of my car ~ a huge coyote, biggest I've seen in a while ~ with an equally huge gray goose hanging limp-necked from its jaws! The coyote had to run with its head craned back as far as it could go to keep the goose from dragging on the ground.

    It crossed the road in front of me and I stopped to watch it crawl under a sandy bank of sun-dappled deadfall trees that uprooted during the last storm. I thought *some kits'll eat good tonight* How lovely and lyrical a treat it was to see that.

    Which reminds me of another story. Once, my girlfriend Gina and I were driving in Yosemite. You have to understand that I was raised about 20 minutes from the park entrance, so we'd say "we're going to the park" like other people say it, only we'd mean Yosemite. Anyhoo ~ we were driving really high up on one of the back roads, and it was coming dusk. The sun was starting to set ~ I remember the pinkish orange glow against the blue gray rocks and the green sage of the trees against yellow grass as we were driving. Gina in her little white Honda Civic that we nicknamed "The Tick".

    We were thinking about heading home before it got pitch dark, when we saw something way off in the middle of the road. We started to slow down as we got closer ~ and it didn't move. Ew, roadkill, we thought. No biggie, except that it was a very large coyote, stretched out on its side, facing away from us, and it was blocking the single lane asphalt road. There was no way to drive around it. Someone would have to move it.

    Well, that sort of stuff has never bothered me ~ I just hoped it wasn't too messy ~ and we pulled up to the animal amd Gina stopped and I jumped out of the car and walked over and bent over the coyote ~ thank goodness it hadn't yet been scavenged ~ and grabbed it by its rear legs to drag it away ~ and suddenly it reared up and bellered at me and snapped its teeth inches from my face! I had woken it up!

    He was more startled than I was ~ but each of us beat a hasty retreat nonetheless. I could tell by the way he ran away at a clip that he wasn't sick or injured ~ and had simply fallen asleep soaking up the warmth from the road and hadn't heard The Tick approaching.

    Is Rich tired of people telling him that a bird pooping on you is supposed to mean good fortune? Then I won't either, although one only need look at YOU to see that it's true, kati dear. Tell Rich to ponder that next time. And yes, there WILL be a next time..! ;)

    May 25, 2010 6:16 PM

  6. Mermaid, you seem to have had more than your share of coyote's adventures... I sure like the one where vily coyote "appeared" to be sleeping on the road. He obviously had a devious plan...

    I'll tell Rich about the deeper meaning of birds pooping on you, he'll be glad to hear it!

  7. Kati, I've been pretty lucky in life regarding bird poo, having only been hit a couple of times, and then, with tiny poo, compared to what you're describing! I wonder if the bird wasn't sick? Or had perhaps been constipated and this scat that you discovered was several day's worth of build up? Can birds even become constipated?

    Regardless, I do hope that this particular little shitter doesn't revisit your area. It sounds more than capable of ruining a day!

    Good cheer and good luck! :-)

  8. Thanks Smag! I'm keeping my umbrella at the ready!

  9. If you ever go to watch bats come out in the evening, either take a clear umbrella or keep your mouth closed. Advice given us from a Carlsbad park ranger.

  10. Anything that exrecetes a guano like substance, birds, reptiles and bats (whatever they are) don't actually have control over their sphincter (if they have one, not sure and too lazy to google) so they just poop, and poop, and poop whenver, whereever. Constipated seaguls...we should all be so lucky, or may be just Rich.