Sunday, May 23, 2010

Evil Seagull!

I know I know, seagulls are supposed to be mystics and great philosophers. Their soaring flight dances are supposed to inspire us... but let me tell you the truth about those shitting creatures and the saga of their persecution of my otherwise bird loving beloved partner Rich.

It first started long long time ago. Rich was a sailor in the navy (I’m being redundant, everyone in the navy is some sort of sailor, right? Even submariners.) So a resplendent admiral was inspecting the troops lined up on the carrier. The sailors were in their formal white attire which they had painstakingly washed and ironed. Rich was doing his best to stand ramrod at attention. When the admiral came in front of him, guess what happened? A seagull shat on Rich’s shoulder. Rich, nineteen at the time, felt horribly embarrassed while the admiral visibly was doing his best to repress a chuckle.

Now I’m asking you! Out of hundreds sailors, why did a seagull chose Rich? Why didn’t it for instance shit on the admiral’s head so that the sailors could be the ones to repress a chuckle?

Not surprisingly the story doesn’t end there as seagulls seem to favor Rich and he’s persuaded they’re doing it on purpose. He practically has to carry an open umbrella for protection when we walk by the shore. As for me, I seemed immune up to now, but no longer...

We woke up yesterday and there was an enormous bird poop on our car. It began on the roof above the passenger window, dribbled on the window and then there was an gigantic plop spread out under the window on the door. At first I thought that some kid had thrown a milkshake at our car, or that someone had suffered a truly explosive bout of puking. But no, we were facing genuine bird shit.

So the troubling question is: what kind of flying creature can produce such a giant poop? Is it a monstrous seagull sent by its fellows to still wreak havoc on Rich’s life? Or is it some sort of alien species? (No it’s not a Canadian goose because they produce well formed brown turds --we have an abundance of them at certain time of they year and you really have to watch where you’re putting your feet down when walking by the lake....).

Anyone has some zoological insights on the identity of the guilty species or on how a supposedly small bird can produce such a great amount of shit?